Welcome to the "Land Down Under"!!

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an
Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they
drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking.

Thanks to "Magz" who landed this one in my inbox :o))