Sunday, May 08, 2005

Mother's Day = Mixed Emotions

Mother's Day for me brings so many mixed emotions. All week i have been so busy with studies and trials, i left it till yesterday to purchase a Mothers Day card for my mother, who won't recieve it till next week now. The sad thing is, i was rather nonchalant about the whole thing too. "What an awful person you are", you may think, however, i do have reasons for my feelings and they stem back right to my childhood.

Life for my younger brother and i was never a violent one. We grew up with food on the table, a place to sleep and parents who found it very difficult to show love.
My mother didn't work till i turned 13, and my father,a well respected foreman stevadore on the wharves , well he was someone who both my brother and myself were both petrified of. Not that he ever hit us, perhaps once or twice with the belt he used to wear, on those rare occasions we probably deserved it. He believed children should be seen and not heard, unfortunately he also believed they weren't worth talking to either. Infact, i think i could count on both hands how many times he actually spoke to us up until the age of 21. How awkard it was on my wedding day, sitting next to him in the limosuine, i didn't know what to say. I was terrified, i had to dance with this man at my wedding....i don't ever remember even touching him my whole life!

Xmas time was hilarious now i look back on it, all four of us sitting at the dining table, virtually in one could communicate! Having a 4 year age difference, my brother and i had nothing in common, we'd fight all the time day in day out. Even as a kid, i never liked him, and as a adult, well that's another story entirely, one i will blog oneday. He used to wait till my mother would be out in the yard, stand there screaming.."Michelle, stoooooooop your hurting me"!! "Stop hitting me"! This, whilst all along i was watching tv in another room! He did other nasty things too, but that is just a taste. He never lost his touch, as young man in his early 20's he decided that he and his girlfriend would ransack my bedroom one day for laughs.

So my childhood was one where, special occasions at school, neither parent would turn up, or if my other ever did, she'd forget wtf she was there! I was never allowed to bring friends home, incase they woke my father up. Just insane now i look back on as we lived in a decent sized 3 bedroom home. As a family, we went on vacation once in my life. It was not a memorable one, i think i was 14.

I was not alone, my younger brother suffered the same fate.

My 19th birthday came, and my mothers present to me was a Barbie Doll. At first i thought it was a joke. She then proceeded to tell me that as a kid i used to beg her for one, it drove her nuts as she disliked them. So se thought at 19 i would appreciate it more.

At 21, i had a fancy dress party in a large hall. My mother turned up late, in time for the cutting of the cake.

My wedding. By the time my wedding came round, i was 27 and my parents had been divorced for 2 years. My mother was remarried, to a drunk. On the few occasions i had met him, i disliked him. Loud mouth filthy prick. I didn't want him at my wedding. My father graciously paid for the medievil banquet for 90 people ( i was married in a chapel, that was semi detached to a castle, where the reception was held). So i didn't wat to hurt my dads feelings, i invited my mother without her new husband. She declined the invitation. As did my brother.

When i got back from my honeymoon, she was not interested in the photos of the wedding.

"A" was born, the first grandchild on my side. It took my mother a week to phone me. Flowers? You'd be joking!! On occasion my mother would call me and never bother asking how "A" was doing. On one or two occasions, she had to ring to ask what her name was!! To this day, 10 years on, "A" never recieves birthday cards or xmas cards from, never. They can't be bothered. I feel for "A". The only grandparents that would have loved her are both Passed on, how they loved my neice and my nephews. My father also has passed away, i actually think he would have been a lot differnet with "A" than he was with myself and brother. Before he died, i actually felt as though i could have a decent conversation with him.

There are many more things i could share, but they are for another time.

As for today, i rang my mother and wished her a happy mothers day.

I was awoken by my beautiful daughter...."Your the best mother in the world mum"! "I love you to pieces"! "Happy Mothers Day"! Lots of hugs and kisses, just as it should be :O)

To you my precious daughter, you are a gift from heaven. I cherish every minute we spend together. For you to call me mother brings tears to my eyes. I am so proud of you my special girl. I love you.


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