Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Mummy Dearest

How bizarre, it feels like i was just here! Yes, today is my mothers 65th birthday. Many of you know that my mother and i have a very distant relationship. For those of you who don't know, my mum was not/is not a very maternal woman, never has been, and sure as hell never will. I am pretty sure she had kids because in the 60s it was the right thing to do. My father was no different, if not worse. I think i could have counted on one hand the amount of times i actually kissed my dad in my whole 32 years before his death. And i know i have regaled you all with the tales of my wedding, trying to keep the peace my mother and father who by then had been divorced 2 years, my fears i had having to dance at my own wedding with my dad...shit, i'd have to touch him! My mother and brother who decided they had better things to do that day than see me "tie the knot", Why? Because my father was paying for the wedding, had not re partnered since the divorce. My mother had; and asked her if she'd mind coming on her own out of respect for me and my dad, she refused. Thinking about it, she's done some rather selfish things in her time. Funny enough, the only person hurting from it is me. Of course "A" is too, she doesn't realise that yet though. I hurt from it very little these days. I have come to accept i will never change her, all i can do is feel sorry for her and pity the woman.
My mother has led a funny life. A real tom boy as a kid, never had too many girl friends, hung out with boys. Had a close relationship with her older brother and my grandmother, who was also not very maternal. When she married my father she was all of 18, and had me at 21, my brother at 25. She was always a strong woman, a tough woman. We were brought up in a middle class environment, my father never spoke to us, only to my mother. We were shit scared of my dad, however, i think the 2 years before he passed away, we made up for lost time, which was nice. I think he'd have been a very different man towards my daughter than he ever was to us. My mother remained strong till their divorce, 18 years ago.
She changed personalites afterwards. She began to associate with drunks.......i never saw her drink, we never had booze in the house. She hated it, my mothers mother was married to a drunk who used to hit her, she hated his guts. Well, she married a drunk.........then became one herself! Although will deny it now. She deny's many things now. You see, 7 years ago, my mother suffered a brain aneurysum. Lucky to be alive today. She spent 2 years in hospital, and today is able to walk with a cane, her eyesight is just average. Her memory, well lets see it's selective! She remembers what she wants, and refuses to believe anything bad. Like how much she used to drink! Today, she likes to re live her past, hates the future...not interested in talking about it.........can't be bothered. I feel sorry for her, for what she could of had if we were closer, if she'd shown more respect, love, kindness. As a mother, i will never ever be able to comprehend her reasoning. What woman doesn't want to be close with her kids...her grand kids? I pity the mean old woman she's become, what she was and what her grandkids will think of her when they are old enough. I am sure by now she has the card i sent. That in itself is a chore. Most cards have how much they adore their mum's....what great mum you are! We love you mum!.........Your the best mother! My god, it was so difficult finding one that said, have a nice day! Well, now that i have rid my chest, i guess i better go call her. I know some of you will think poorly of me for speaking like this. Just think yourself lucky if you've grown up in a close loving relationship with your siblings and parents.......i'd have traded anything in this world to have it. All i can do is learn from not having it.
till next time, Michelle.


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